


These Are The Colours Of My Heart

by fivefeetapart



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Bi!Jake, Bisexual Character, Childhood, Denial, Young Jake, im late to the party, lesbian!gina, young gina
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-10-13 09:10:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20580038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivefeetapart/pseuds/fivefeetapart
Summary: Jake Peralta is straight.Or at least that what he’s always thought.But maybe he’s not.





	1. I sink back into the world that was before

**Author's Note:**

> Alright I won't blab too much at the beginning because that's annoying and we just wanna read the fic (go to the end for my endless blabbing about this if you feel like it)
> 
> I just want to quickly dedicate this to two people;  
Firstly to Johanna, without whom I would not have gathered up the mess of my thoughts and just started to write this; thank you for writing the fics that got me through some hard times and that helped me get back into fanfic and which also inspired me to write my own.  
Secondly to Aurelia, my absolute best friend in the whole world; thank you for always being there for me for everything, I would not be where I am right now if it wasn't for you.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I haven't seen season 6 yet (sad life) so at some point you might be like ??? Nova you're missing something, but then now you know why

Jake Peralta is straight.  
Or at least that what he’s always thought.  
But maybe he’s not.

-

It all started when Jake was seven years old. He and Gina were hanging out on this epic playground with a jungle gym and a swingset. They were sitting on the swings, which had stopped being swings long ago. Right now they were the seats to a heated debate about one particular boy. 

“Okay look, Gina, I’m not even trying to argue if he is cute or not. We both know he is. I just don’t see how you could not like, like-like him! He like, like-likes you! “

“See, Jakey, that’s where you’re wrong! He’s not cute at all!”

“Oh you know he is. Stop lying!” 

Jake almost shouted.

“Calm down, dude, it’s almost as if you like, like-like him.”

Jake gasped. He made movement as if he could physically throw away the accusation and sighed.

“This is dumb. Wanna get ice cream?”

“If that’s a question you need to ask me, then you’re dumb.”

-

When Jake was 11 years old he had a friend. His name was Eddie Fung. To Gina’s annoyance, Jake spent all of his time with Eddie. Jake and Eddie were like best friends. They had inside jokes and games only they understood. They had sleepovers and talked about everything. They were both obsessed with the movie ‘Die Hard’ and were frequently found by one of their mothers re-enacting the entire movie.

Jake liked Eddie.

He liked hanging out with him. He liked his company and he strangely liked knowing, recognising and responding to all his little habits and quirks. Jake liked being around Eddie and he liked it when he could make him laugh.

Yeah, Jake liked Eddie.

Gina gave Jake shit for it, though. She’d constantly tease him and refer to Eddie as his boyfriend. Jake thought she must be jealous, because he’d been spending all of his time with Eddie instead of with her. Because really he didn’t like him like that. He wasn’t gay or anything like that. Eddie was just his best friend.

And he liked him.

(But not like-like.)

-

And then they were thirteen. And Jake like-liked a girl. And Eddie did, too. Which would have been fine, if this girl hadn’t been one and the same girl.

Jenny Gildenhorn.

Eddie liked her first. And he was talking about her so much that Jake started to notice her, too. Eddie told Jake how he liked her laugh and the next day Jake looked over at Jenny and he realised Eddie was right, she did have a cute laugh.  
Then Eddie told Jake how he liked Jenny’s freckles and the next day Jake looked at her and holy shit this adorable girl did have freckles!

So Jake might not have liked her first, but when he fell for her, he fell hard.

(Or maybe he fell for her because Eddie did and he was scared he’d lose his friend if he didn’t like her, too, not that he’d ever say that.)

Jake talked to Jenny first, though.  
And he asked her if she’d like to come to his bar mitzvah.

She did.

Excited about his date Jake told Eddie. And Eddie was mad. He stormed out of the room and yelled. He told Jake that he stole her from him and he accused him of not even liking her. Jake was sad, because why couldn’t his friend be happy for him? Why couldn’t this amazing, funny dude who was his best friend be happy for him?

And then the big day, the day of Jake’s bar mitzvah. He and Eddie hadn’t made up yet and it worried him. He also hadn’t seen Jenny anywhere yet.

And then it happened.

Jake saw them both at the same time.

And neither of them saw him.  
It was at that moment, for the first time in Jake’s short life that he was all out of love. Which, ironically, was the song that was playing while he saw Jenny Gildenhorn slowdance with his now ex-best friend, Eddie Fung. 

“I don't want to say I told you so, but I told you so” Gina later remarked.

-

All through high school Jake didn't like anyone, or at least he tried not to, in fear of reliving his bar mitzvah. Gina didn't date either, but that was simply “because none of these buffoons meet my standards.” Or at least that's what she claimed.

They were sixteen when Gina told Jake the real reason she didn't date anyone. 

The pair of them was once again sat on the swingset, which they had outgrown years ago. However they still found ways to squeeze their bodies into the tiny seats. Jake was trying to fly as high as he possibly could, while Gina sat with one of her legs tucked underneath her swaying from side to side slowly. 

“Jake.” Gina softly said. 

He swung by. He hadn't heard her.

“Jake!” Gina exclaimed, now louder.

Jake’s swinging came to an abrupt stop mid swing and he turned his head, eyes a little unfocused.

“Yes, m’lady?”

“You're an idiot, you know that?”

Jake just grinned.

“Yeah so there’s something I kinda wanna talk to you about, I guess.”

Gina shuffled her foot in circles on the ground. Jake had never seen her like this. She seemed nervous, twitchy even. Not words you would usually use to describe the legendary Gina Linetti. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, a little worried. “Did something happen? Did my dad leave? Again? That’s funny, because he already left. Haha. I’m not scarred for life because of that. Haha.”

Jake’s words fell into the empty space that had grown between them in only a few seconds. Gina took a deep, loud breath, visibly shaking. 

“Jake.”

“My dad didn’t leave because of me. I know.”

Gina interupted him. 

“No, man, I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh.”

Gina closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. It was not going as she had planned and Jake knew. But no one had ever told him they were gay before, so he didn’t really know how to react. Was he supposed to make a joke? Or tell her he loved her? He’d rather do the former, because making jokes out of serious situation is what he did best. They should really teach you this in school he thought. 

“Would you please say something other than ‘oh’?”

Gina herself wasn’t shaking anymore, but her voice still was. 

“I don’t really know what to say.”

Gina lifted her head and looked into his eyes. She looked like her normal self again, legendary and all that. And the cold atmosphere between them disappeared as fast as it had arrived.

“Do you hate me?”

Gina’s voice was steady and demanding now.

“I could never hate you. Unless you kill someone. Then I might. But maybe that person was an asshole and they deserved it, then I wouldn’t hate you either.”

Jake spoke fast and a little bit incoherently. 

“If you steal my girl I will probably be unhappy with you, but I won’t hate you. So, no I don’t hate you. And I will use my big fighting skills on anyone who does hate you. But you know that right?”

Gina laughed.

“Your ‘big fighting skills’, right, with those noodle arms!”

“Be careful or I’ll use these big, highly trained arms on you.”

Jake lifted his fists in a very undangerous looking way and swung them at her playfully. She laughed harder and shoved his hands aside.

“For real though, dude, thanks, your support means a lot to me.”

“Duh.”

Was all he said, but deep down a tiny little voice began to whisper. And it whispered about all the things he didn’t want to know. It softly told him how much his support meant to Gina. It reminded him of his dad, before he left. It reminded him of Eddie Fung and Jennie Gildenhorn. It quietly spoke about the boy in his English class and the girl in his calculus class. The tiny voice told about the things he had seen on the news and the things he’d heard his classmates say. Jake had to hear the tiny voice talk almost silently about his dad and all the things he could and couldn’t remember him saying. 

Jake didn’t tell anyone about the tiny voice deep down, because he barely even noticed it was there most of the time. And even when he did notice he didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to know. It was fine where it was, tucked away deep, deep down, somewhere far away. 

Tucking it away didn’t make it go away, though.


	2. No one holds me back more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just three weeks to go before senior year ends and Jake is ready. He’s ready to leave his classmates behind and he’s ready to start his new, better life in college. To leave everything behind. To leave his childhood behind. About ten miles behind, because Jake is going to college in New York. 
> 
> Or; Jake tries not to think about it and he's scared of the future ft. Gina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I said I would not be uploading regularly I took it a little too serious and completely forgot about tatcomh for a while, but I'm on christmas break now so I have loads of time and it popped back in my head. Luckily I had done loads of "research" and planning so I could jump right back. I'm way happier with this chapter than the first one so im more motivated to keep writing.
> 
> Don't @ me if I completely messed up the school part, I don't understand America. 
> 
> Title is uh idk i was stressed, I'm trying to write a poem in all the chapter titles
> 
> Stay safe and hydrated, and be kind!

Hold them in, keep them close, shut them off.   
Don’t look down, don’t look up, eyes away.   
Watch out, for if you come too close the dark might make you stay.

-

Just three weeks to go before senior year ends and Jake is ready. He’s ready to leave his classmates behind and he’s ready to start his new, better life in college. To leave everything behind. To leave his childhood behind. About ten miles behind, because Jake is going to college in New York. 

He just has to get through the next three weeks and graduation, and then he’ll be free as a bird to do whatever he pleases. On the grand timeline of his life three weeks is nothing, but on the close future timeline it’s a whole lot, especially if you’ve got to sit out three more weeks of classes from the worst teachers on earth, presumably.

He’s in the worst of all his classes right now; calculus with Miss Wood. None of his friends are in this class and the late hour combined with the horrors that are math, makes Jake want to test if his body could survive a fall from a three story window every single time. 

“So, class, you should all be able to do this in your sleep by now, but, just to check, how do we calculate the area of a circle?”

Miss Wood asks the class in her sharp voice that slightly hurts Jake’s ears.

Some kids mumble what half sounds like the right answer, but most of the students just sit at their tables with their eyes on the horizon and their minds on zero. Jake being no exception. 

“Miss Wood, I have a question about the homework.”

Brian Levan is easily the most eager kid in the class, seeing there’s no real competition, and he always asks a ton of questions. 

“Not now, Brian.”

Judging from the sigh in Miss Wood’s voice, Jake almost thinks she’s human, too, and she hates teaching this class at this hour as much at the students hate taking it. And for a second Jake feels sympathy for the woman. Just a second. Then he falls back into the state of only half being and half sleeping he always falls into in calc. 

“Now, can anyone tell me how to calculate the area of a circle?”

Jake lets his mind wander. He thinks about the groceries he shouldn’t forget to pick up for his mom and the ice cream he and Gina are planning on getting if this class ever ends. Oh he would kill for some ice cream right now. 

Jake lets his mind wander wherever it wants to go, but there’s one dark corner of his mind that he never touches. He pushes it far, far away any time he even comes closes. He might have overstuffed the corner and thoughts might be flowing out from there every day, making it harder and harder to ignore, but he doesn’t think about it. He can’t let himself think about it, he just can’t. 

So he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t think about it, and whenever a thought escapes he swats it away like it’s a fly. He does not think about it. Instead he thinks about simpler things, things that makes sense and thing that he can deal with. Like ice cream and groceries for his mom. 

The sounds of calculus class flow back in and Jake catches the last bit of a sentence Brian Levan says. 

“... Miss Wood, I think you forgot the π there.”

Stupid, annoying Brian Levan with his beautiful eyes and sun tanned skin, and when stupid, annoying Brian Levan speaks he gets little dimples in his cheeks that Jake secretly wants to touch. And when stupid, annoying, meaningless Brian Levan smiles, it feels like the sun starts shining for the first time after a long dark winter, and the mole underneath stupid, annoying, meaningless Brian Levan’s right eye makes Jake not be able to help thinking about- 

No. 

Jake doesn’t think about it. He pushes stupid, meaningless, beautiful Brian Levan into the dark, overflowing corner of his mind and slams the door shut. 

No. 

Jake does not think about that. 

Instead he tries to focus on calculus, the only thing there is to focus on that won’t lead him into that corner. 

“How do you calculate the area of a circle?”

You square the radius and multiply it with π. 

Jake doesn’t think about it. 

-

And Jake’s still not thinking about it when the bell rings. He looks up in confusion, an hour goes by pretty fast if you actually work. He packs his books into his backpack and walks out of the classroom. Past Brian Levan’s desk. Jake speeds by and he doesn’t think about it.

When he exits he nearly walks into Gina. 

“Shit sorry, oh, it’s just you.”

He mutters.

“Just me? Excuse me, Jake, you call the great Gina Linetti just someone?”

Gina puts her hand on her chest baffled. 

Jake grins. He doesn’t have to think about it. He can think about easy things. Ice cream and the next good joke that will make Gina laugh. He can relax. He’s home. 

Some people call their childhood house their home, but not for Jake. For Jake there’s two people, not places, that are home, Gina and his mom. Growing up with parents who constantly argued, doors slamming and no corner untouched by the cold rage springing of their voices, Jake doesn’t easily makes real connections with people, scared that they’ll leave, just like his dad did, but Gina is the exception. Gina was there through it all and she knows. She’s steady, weird, but good. 

Jake doesn’t think about what it’ll be like when they’re both in college, at different schools.

“So.” Gina asks. “Ice cream?”

“Hell yes.”

They walk out of the school talking about some silly thing that happened during lunch, catching each other up on what happened in the classes they don’t have together. They make their way to Nana’s apartment on foot, it’s not too far from school. 

When they arrive they quickly greet Nana, drop their bags and make their way out of the door again, walking over to the place where they always buy ice cream. It’s terrible, but that’s what makes it great.

“I can’t believe it’s three whole weeks more before we’re finally done with high school.”

Gina says, they’ve gotten their ice cream and they’re walking towards the playground they spent most of their childhood hours at. 

“I know, I can’t believe it’ll be over. Suddenly we’ve gotta be all adult and what not. And I won’t see you every day, what if I forget who you are, Gina, I’m basically a goldfish!”

“How could you forget the immortal Gina Linetti?”

“Fair enough.”

They arrive at the playground and sit down on the swings. Jake’s grown too big to sit facing forward, so he sits across, a leg on either side of the small seat. Gina does the same, facing him.

“So has the immortal Gina Linetti decided on a major yet?”

“Yeah, a bunch of times, nothing seems perfect.”

There’s a comfortable silence in which they both eat their ice cream. It’s perfectly melted, still cold but a little droopy so you have to keep licking to stop it from melting away. 

Jake’s not thinking about it.

He’s thinking how good the ice cream tastes and how perfect the weather is. Sunny and warm enough to not have to wear a jacket, but not hot and sticky. He’s thinking about all the good times they had on these swings and some bad ones, too. He can’t help but think about the inevitable, it’s all ending. He’s going to have to move on, he’s going to have to let go of his carefree youth. 

“Have you decided on a major yet, though?” Gina breaks his stream of thoughts. 

She’s so good. She’s home. And she’s leaving. 

“No, of course not, you know me, indecisive up until the last minute. Or impulse decisions. There’s no in between.”

It comes out half as a laugh, half as something else, Jake’s heart isn’t in it.

“You okay?” Gina asks. “You seem a little distracted.”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s all good, just a little worried about leaving and stuff ending.”

Jake wishes he could be less honest to Gina, or maybe all the way honest. But he’s not thinking about it, so he might as well think about this other big thing.

“Hey, dumbass, you know we’ll always stay friends right? No matter what.” Gina reaches out for his knee and shoves him a little.

He laughs and feels a tear break from his eye. He quickly pushes it away with his hand.

“Yeah I guess, I just hate change, I mean what if we change, and it’s not for the good?”

“Some things are meant to be, like you, a squealing mortal, and me, a flawless goddess, being friends. And we can always work on fate a little bit ourselves.”

Jake smiles. Gina is so good. She’s home. They’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited to be writing and I'm in a good flow so maybe the next chapter will be up in a few weeks instead of a few months...
> 
> This was a lowkey impulse posting, because i was done with this chapter so yeah idk. I'm really excited to lay out my plans in more detail!!
> 
> Please leave kudos and/or a comment if you enjoyed this telling me your favourite parts or something?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far! I've spend months, okay let's be honest, half a year, thinking about this fic and I wrote the first part way back in march and I just couldn't bring myself to write more even though I had like a thousand ideas and little snips in my head. So this is the first chapter, it's kinda short and I'm not at all happy with it, but if I didn't post it now I would never have, so yeet. I'm hoping the next chapter will be longer and a lot more in depth, because I've got a lot more literaryish stories to tell and also so many ideas 
> 
> The title of the fic is inspired by one of my plans in the process to make it three chapters called pink, blue and purple, which I abandoned because it was not a good plan. The chapter title is from a poem/song lyrics of my own uwu. 
> 
> I mostly followed canon I just sorta took one tiny little bit of information, like Jenny Gildenhorn, and built a whole story around it in my head, which you can't really read in the fic cause lol, but yknow fun facts.
> 
> I'm seriously doubting my decision to make it a chaptered fic, because I will not able to update regularly which is fine, but it also puts stress on me like, gotta put out content salffjsfl. But on the other hand I do like to just put it out there so it's done and I can't keep changing it. Anyway be warned that it might take a while before I update.
> 
> Some of the things that are coming in the next chapters will be lightly based on my own experiences as a bisexual person and some things won't, I just want to state (ooh fancy) that not one bisexual person is the same and we all experience our bisexuality differently, like all people are different and experience things differently.
> 
> Comments make me text my best friend in excitement even if they're just your favourite quotes or you saying "noice". 
> 
> Find me on tumblr also @fivefeetapart.


End file.
